• HELP

For most people Halloween is a bit of fun. The majority of us enter into it with enthusiasm, ready to have a giggle, get dressed up in a Halloween fancy dress costume and use this most ancient of annual rituals as an excuse to enjoy ourselves with friends and family.


Kids are fond of Halloween especially. Teenagers always enjoy a Halloween party with a few good mates, grown up kids (that’s anyone over 18) LOVE a crazy night Halloween partying and parents can’t resist seeing their little ones all dressed up in their cute Halloween costumes.


Rather like Christmas it’s a time when people get together to eat, drink, laugh and generally enjoy themselves. But for every fun-loving Halloween enthusiast, there’s a nasty, mean spirited Halloween Scrooge. They’re the sour faced killjoys that hate dressing up, that loathe laughs of any kind and want nothing more than to ruin all the good clean Halloween fun for everyone else.


If that’s you, help is at hand. In the spirit of equality we’re here to help nurture your nasty side and spoil the trick or treat experience, sabotaging the night for your whole neighbourhood with five easy tips.



Yummy Toffee Apples


Prepare a tray of tasty toffee apples ready for the kids who’re going to come hammering on your door when you’re right in the middle of watching Eastenders. Except they won’t be sweet, sugary toffee apples for the little darlings this year. Buy a bag of onions and peel them, taking care not to cry (with laughter). Cover them with caramel and mount on sticks. Your unsuspecting, unwelcome, loathsome little guests won’t be able to tell the difference, until they sink their greedy little pointy teeth into the juicy onion flesh.


Happy (healthy) Halloween


Swap Halloween ‘treat’ chocolate bars, sugary sweets and melt-in-the-mouth marshmallows for a selection of super healthy chopped vegetable crudités. Carrots are a nice orangey Halloween pumpkin colour, so they’re perfect. You could even make fang-shaped slices of red pepper and pass cucumbers sticks off as green severed fingers? For people unaware of your dark motives, it will look you’ve thrown your heart and soul into trick or treat night. Except that no one with a heart would make kids eat vegetables on the one night of the year when everyone’s allowed to OD on sugar. They will hate you. A couple of them might even cry at this simple yet effective act of Halloween sabotage.




If you find the idea of cute little witches, ghosts and ghouls too repulsive to even contemplate, you may not want to let them get anywhere near your front door. An easy way to deter trick or treaters before they can approach your threshold is to erect a sign outside your property to deter them. Create a realistic sign to post up directly outside your front door – ‘DANGER’ or KEEP OUT’ are obvious ones. ‘DISUSED MINE SHAFT’ if you’re feeling imaginative. Add extra authenticity by taping off the area around your door or porch. Police tape is obviously the best choice if you have any contacts in the force, otherwise plastic ribbon should do the trick.


Sweeties Anyone?


If you can’t bring yourself to dish out any goodies to people having fun and you’re not ashamed to admit it, simply coat the bottom of a plastic bowl with superglue and add sweets layer by layer. Offer them to your stupid little guests and watch in evil amusement as they try to pick the sweets out of the bowl with little success until their fingers are sore. If you haven’t got time to organise this, just fill a bowl up with dog biscuits and hand those out instead. Doggie chocolate is another option.

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